The passing of my Mom has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.
I've dealt with the passing of a relative once, when Abuelito passed away, and just like today, I was pregnant. With Abuelito, I broke down every minute and was a mess, and to this day, I blame the 8 month pregnant hormones because normally I can take stressful situations a little easier than most. But at the time, it was just awful, I wasn't holding back, and the stress put me in the hospital 3 times because of pre-term labor.
I was called around 3 and change in the morning and it was Jr. telling me that they took my mom to the hospital again. He sounded different, but at the moment I didn't notice. He said he'd keep us updated, and I said ok. I got up to use the restroom and ended up logging into facebook to vent my frustrations about my moms doctors and the runaround she had been going through. Maybe 20 minutes later, Juan called me to see what I was doing. "Well, Im in bed" I told him, but that I wasn't asleep. He said he was going to the hospital to be with my mom, and that maaybbbeee we should go too. I said of course, and instead of waking up Loyiel who had both worked late and gone out with some friends that night, I let him sleep thinking I'd just be in the waiting room with Juan anyway. I shook him awake and told him I'd be leaving, to keep an ear out for Ducky in the morning, and that I'd probably be calling in since it was almost 4 and my first alarm goes off at 5:30. Kiss, goodbye.
Juan and I talked the whole way to the hospital, which from my house is about 10 minutes away. We get there and Juan calls Jr. saying we're there. The guard who normally says "Ma'am i need to search your purse" in a stern voice nods us through and right when we get through I stop because, well, I suck at hospitals and I knew I'd get lost.
Then I hear (I wasn't looking at them) Juan say something to the effect of "Hows my mom" and I don't hear Jr. say anything, so as I turn to look, I see Jr's face tear up as he shook his head no...
Then it turned into a movie. I looked at them both and I said "WHAT do you mean?" Juan came toward me and said "Shh - its ok, calm down" and I said "NO." I couldn't believe them. It COULDN'T be true! My mom is a SOLDIER. More than that, my mom is STUBBORN and would not be taken from us that easily! From there, I cried, and I cried in Juans arms and at some point, my daddy came and hugged us too. All I heard him say was "llore mija, llore! Cry!" and he said it in the most calm voice I've ever heard. I cried and cried and thats when a nurse came to us (we were in the middle of a busy hall) and she moved us to a little room right next to the emergency ambulance entrance. She said she was so sorry, and that this little room was for us.
I don't know how it happened, but as quick as I was to fall apart, I quickly pulled myself together and my first thought was "The Baby." This actually shocked me for a minute because I still FORGET that I'm pregnant all the time. And for me to remember right away that I can't stress out for the baby...was a shock. But from then, I held my Daddy's hand, and he told me what happened. I cried a little bit more, but was able to compose myself. I do remember telling him that we needed to go get Michelle, because as far as I knew, she still didn't even know.
Then again, at some point, Juan asked me if I wanted to see her, and I said yes. Fully calm, I walked into the room she was in and just seeing her laying there reset it all and I lost it again. I couldn't even go in the room. I don't even know how long we were there or how long after that moment it was, but I was able to finally go inside and see her with my Daddy. I think Kika was already in there, and she said it best.. "Shes just sleeping, look at her." And she really did look like she was just sleeping. The part that made it so hard was that she still had a tube in her mouth. She was disconnected from everything else, and someone tucked her into the blankets so nicely, but it was the tube... I hated that tube..
Soon Vanessa and Frank arrived with Michelle and she cried so much and that broke my heart more than my own sadness could. It was weird, but I kept thinking of everyone else's well being instead of my own. I kept thinking "relax Michelle, the Baby." and I kept thinking "Don't cry, be strong for Dad."
Eventually, we all ended up in the room with my Mommy again. And as sad and heartbroken as we all were, we're Melo, and us Melo's have FAITH. We were taught about God and the Bible and how we're all here temporarily but our main voyage or mission is to be with God. My Mom is no longer suffering and she is with God and Jesus. Because of our strong faith, we were able to sit with each other and turn into ourselves. A little broken, but ourselves. We joked about my Mom and the crazy things we did or put her through. Also the things she did! We laughed so much! I know she was laughing with us... she normally starts these things/conversations anyway (Polaroids to fill up an empty sex book anyone?) She was awesome :]
A nice group of family was with us and her, and we were just waiting for our Priest to come and bless her. He took a while, but eventually he got there. We cried again as he prayed for her and for God to receive her with open arms. he sang a short and beautiful little song, and then it was over. We all said goodbye, kissed her, said we love her so so much, and then we left.
Since then, its been planning. We went to my Mom and Dads house... then Oscar showed up with bags of breakfast ingredients... eggs, bacon, sausage and papas. Oscar cooked us an amazing breakfast worthy of my Mother. We all ate and from then we just... hung out at the house. People came and left leaving their condolences, and we cried a few more times, but for the most part, we stayed upbeat. We told stories after stories and laughed and told more stories. Some of us made calls to some of her best friends and our family, others took naps, and others gathered important paperwork that we'd be needing.
All the while, my dad was a soldier.
The evening was amazing. More people showed up to be with my family, and then both my mother in law and one of my moms close friends brought trays and pots of food. Food! So much of it! We had a huge pot of albondigas, pasta or "goulash", chilaquiles, rice... A coffee maker with lots of coffee, pan dulce... and it was all from the heart. EVERYONE ate, some had seconds, and we had so much left over. People's thoughtfulness is amazing sometimes.
Loyiel and I headed home in the late night and it finally hit me again. I cried the whole way home. Every song on the radio was about HER. Especially the song that I've heard MANY MANY times in the time I've been with Loyiel (6 years) and not ONCE did i listen to the words. The song was Dos Coronas a Mi Madre by Los Cadetes De Linares. I bawled as I listened to the words for the very first time:
Dos coronas a mi madre al panteón voy a dejar
Donde me paso las horas llorando sin descansar
Dos coronas a mi madre es muy poco para ti
Madrecita de mi vida quisiera quedarme aqui
Cada año, dia de las madres es muy triste par mi
Cada año, dia de las madres crece mas mi amorpor ti
Aunque se que es imposible ya no estaras junto a mi
Madrecita de mi vida nunca me olvido de ti
Aqui te dejo estas flores dos coronas para ti
Recordando los momentos que tu me arrullaste a mi
Madrecita si me escuchas el otro año vengo aqui
A dejarte dos coronas dos coronas para ti
Aqui te dejo estas flores dos coronas para ti
Recordando los momentos que tu me arrullaste a mi
Madrecita si me escuchas el otro año vengo aqui
A dejarte dos coronas dos coronas para ti.
This song has never meant so much to me. (I found out the next day that (*sigh* nichole moment) it wasn't BEER that they were singing about, but crowns. An HONEST mistake might I add, because normally when these songs talk about death, they talk about drinking and tequila!) Anyway, We got home and we tucked Ducky into bed. Loyiel took a quick shower, and I went straight to bed. I cried myself to sleep and Loyiel held me the whole time. It hadn't fully sunken in, but I missed her so much already.
The following days have been full of family, love, some crying and lots and lots of laughing. Laughter was her favorite :]. Next to her grandkids of course. On Wednesday night, I fell asleep on my Moms side of the bed and when my dad came in to finally sleep at around 3 in the morning, he blames it on me but we talked for a good hour or so, and he just told me about the last few days and what they did. Thanks Dad, for telling me :]. Also, about 2 weeks ago, my Mom asked me if we would attend Christmas Eve Mass with her because for the first time in her life, she had started bible studies with my Dad and Tia Elena, and she asked me to think about it. I said of course we'd be there, and just like we promised, we all attended for her. They dedicated Christmas Eve mass to her, and I cried for her because I know she loved that. A few houses later, we were at my Dads again for the yearly opening of presents at insane hours of the morning but with so much more family. It was beautiful and had beautiful moments. The kids were all happy, we were happy, and I know my Mom was too. She was there, in the form of an Angel atop our Christmas Tree, and she'll always be there.
So here we are, Friday night...Christmas Day. The coming days will be the hardest. We've already been to the funeral home and picked out her casket and flowers, and we made it through that. But seeing it all, and seeing her...it's going to be rough. I have Faith, but I don't want to let her go. I just hope she can rest in peace and that she knows how much we love her. We'll never stop loving her, and we'll always miss her.
So, the onions. I realized while sitting on my floor separating laundry and thinking of her, that the last time I physically saw her was at Ducky's birthday party. She was so full of life and I am so thankful that she was there, but the last thing I told her (after thanking her for coming..i knew she wasn't feeling so good) was "Moooooom!! Do you want these onions?! They're too strong and are making me gag! Im gonna throw them away!" and she looked at me a little crazy then said "Yeah!!" so I ran them to Jr who gave them to her. She never liked wasting food. So, the Onions...the last thing I ever gave her.
I hope you make some awesome cochinita up there and use up those onions mom!
I love you :)
